Tuesday, August 16, 2011

this is a bad state of affairs

I seem to be having a marriage problem.  If I sound surprised, it's because I am.

It goes this way:  Barry supposedly stopped smoking cigarettes about two years ago.  I had stopped some years earlier, and the smoke was starting to bother me, and the smell of smoke, and the health issues, and most of all the price.  We had an agreement that he would stop when it went over $10 a pack, and then it went over and he didn't tell me.  So I blew a fuse and gave him 30 days.  I did say that if he wanted, he could mooch one if he was with a smoking friend, but that was it.

Now, I've caught him here and there with a pack in his dresser, or trying to mooch from people on the street, and have done my share of yelling about it.

So, on Saturday, my pay hit my account, and we went out shopping.  For about a week before, I'd been making lists of what he needed to buy when I got paid and the costs.  So when we went out on Saturday, I had a very set shopping list, a very set amount I was taking out of the bank, plus I was going to buy a one-month unlimited Metrocard for myself and put $35 on one for Barry. 

We were going to do most of our shopping at Rite-Aid -- we have a 20% off card there, so we buy a lot of housewares there as well as pharmacy items.  As we were walking to Rite-Aid, Barry asked if I would give him $20 to walk around with, "So I won't feel like a hobo."  I gave this to him, which made me remember that he owed $15 to a guy in a local deli.  I said, "We can stop at Eagle on the way back and you can pay Alfonso, since you have the $20."  He said something like, "This 20 is for me, we can give Alfonso another 20."  I explained that I was counting every dime because I was, as always, very worried about money, and didn't want to be tight at the end of the month yet again.

So we get into Rite-Aid, I get a cart, and Barry says there's something he wants to look at, he'll catch up with me in a minute.  So I go down one aisle, then up another, and I see him at the checkout, and I hear the guy counting out eight-odd dollars in change.  I yelled, and I hope the whole store heard, 'WHAT ARE YOU BUYING???"  I yelled until he said he'd return it, and when he did, he found that this did not solve the problem.

I yelled all the way home, called him a liar, said I couldn't trust him, and said he'd broken my heart.  I said he would only be handled small sums of money any more, and I had no idea when this would change because it was a matter of my being able to trust him again.

So that's a deal -- I'm only giving him a few more bucks than he needs for a particular payment of shopping trip, and making him show me receipts.  Fuck of a lot of extra work for me.  (And that's before we look at the fact that I'm the only one working, and it;s MY money that he was trying to spend on cigarettes.)

Since then, I speak to him, but there's no affection.  I sure don't feel it.  I haven't touched him or kissed him or said I loved him, and haven't worn my wedding ring.  I actually had a nice present for him on Sunday which he did not get.  The whole birthday thing may be off.  The whole marriage thing may be off.  How I am going to live with someone I can't trust?

Mostly, I want him to get a fucking job, so I won't be paying for his bad habits, and I can move out without leaving him flat broke.  I'm at least that kind.  But even if it was a "spur of the moment weakness," as he claims, it's happened before and will happen again.  I've found evidence of smoking in the house and he denies it, acting offended.  Now I'm the one who's offended.  There's really no way for him to make this right or to make it up to me.  Once you've done something you're never supposed to do, how do you fix that?

We basically have a partnership at this point, not really a marriage.  Delilah is on hold, because I don't think I want to start any kind of "together" project with him.  This one may have broken the back of our marriage.  I've been tolerant with a lot of little things, but I can't overlook this.  It's really bad.

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