Wednesday, August 17, 2011

still not much happier

I feel like this whole issue is really dragging me down.  Barry is in total denial.  I think he's just looking at the current event, not the many times I've found cigarette ashes and butts and cellophane pack-bottoms here and there in the apartment ("It's not!"  "It's old!"  etc.).  In fact, earlier in the day that I caught him buying cigarettes at Rite-Aid, I'd found a cigarette ash on the computer keyboard, which he claimed was from a joint.  He never has enough pot in the house to roll a joint rather than smoke from a pipe.  But I let that one go.

But how do I live with someone who's working against me?  Of course, I don't hate him enough to throw him out with no income, or to move out leaving him with none.  Honestly, I hadn't been thinking in terms of "his money" and "my money" up to this point, and I know we spent a lot of "his money" last year -- his inheritance from his father.  But "my money" right now is what I'm going out and earning every day.  He does a lot of chores and housework but he doesn't bring in a cent.  In fact, he has to borrow money that I have to repay (I have no idea how long he owed that $15 to Alfonso, but it must have been a while ago since Alfonso felt he had to remind me).

He has gotten better about bargain shopping and doing without most luxuries this year, since the unemployment and my Dweck job vanished, but I guess he still doesn't understand that payday means unlimited wealth.  He also doesn't seem to understand that doing chores and housework doesn't mean that he can stop looking for work.  We walked by a cell phone store the other days with a "Help Wanted" sign in the window -- why should I have had to be the one to say "go in and get an application"?  I can't work *and* job-hunt for him at the same time.

I can't seem to work or to get much done at all, although I did a frantic cleaning of the kitchen sink on Saturday afternoon.  He washes most of the dishes most of the time, but not the sink or the area around it, which was really gross.  I'm trying to get the place clean, bit by bit, but he never goes past the maintenance chores.  I've been waiting for him to put up a towel rack in the bathroom for eight months or so (and have reminded/complaining from time to time).

I don't really have the time or energy to do the shopping on top of everything else, but I've had to cancel some doctor's appointments so I can do it.  I can't just give him money.  Let him feel like a fucking hobo.  I feel like a fucking idiot.

And all bets are off on any kind of "misbehaving."  As far as I'm concerned, I'm moving out of this marriage, and much as I'd like a single life, I could probably do a little more at this point than bat my eyes.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Jen, I feel your pain. Really I do. I have walked in your shoes, and I walk in my own shoes still. Different marriage, different man. Barry was NEVER able to keep 2 cents in his pocket without spending them. And when it came to his addictions (which nicotine is) he never gave a second thought between "he needed it" there was money at hand (regardless of whether or not the money was earmarked for something else or even if the checks had already been written and mailed.)

    The question I think you need to ask yourself is if, despite all the crap that is brought on by the outside (the economy, unemployment, etc.) Is it really worth walking out of your marriage over? Do you love each other?

    There was a period, not too long ago, where Tim would lie to me just as soon as look at me. For no good reason (and he's really a miserable liar) and I had to ask myself some really hard questions about acceptable and unacceptable behavior. I chose to accept it, because the alternative is less palatable. I love him. I love the life we've built for ourselves. It doesn't always work well. WE ran out of money before today's paycheck - 10 days of scrounging for food between freezer and pantry. Makes me crazy...and will happen again.

    I wouldn't dream of telling you want to do, but if you ever need an ear that understands in a way that few others me.