Friday, August 27, 2010
I watched part of a documentary last night that I shouldn't have watched. It involved someone I once considered a friend; the "friend" basically treated me like a flunky and then dropped me. It's been a couple of years, and I don't think about it much, considering that I knew this person for most of my life. At first I didn't think the documentary footage bothered me (it was actually some deleted scenes from a film I'd seen some years back), but I couldn't sleep last night, and today I can't eat and can't stop crying. Sometimes people are so cruel and disappoint you so thoroughly and shockingly that it's hard to let go; I'm still stunned by the way I was treated, nearly two years later. Maybe it's partly because I'm very stressed, waiting to hear about that job, but I think I'm also very sad. Losing a friend is hard enough; discovering that the "friend" only used and discarded you is nearly unbearable. Barry knows that I miss the "friend" and keeps hoping that we'll make up, but I don't see anything to go back to. After a certain point, I decided to stop inviting neglect and cruelty, which was the right decision, but it's hard not to miss the friend I never had.