This has not been the best few weeks. First off, soon (I think) after my last entry, I think a couple of Tuesday ago, I had a terrible reaction to the meds my new psychiatrist had troubled, and became disoriented and basically really fucked up, and Barry had to come to work and haul me off to the ER. No fun and really embarrassing. I've gone back down to the old dose and am looking for my fourth psychiatrist.
Also going to intake for a new therapist on Wednesday. "New" is not a replacement -- I haven't seen one for around 22 years, although I went on and off from the time I was 9 until I was around 30.
But I've been really crazy lately. Lots of weeping, the kind of daily weeping I experienced when I worked at Penguin (except that I had a seriously horrible boss there -- hi Shanta Small! -- and I have seriously wonderful bosses here). My job here gets busy and complicated, but that's not it. I cry at home, too. I worry lots and lots about money. Supporting two people on one salary is really difficult, especially when it's the lowest salary I've earned since around 1995 (with the exception of Dweck).
So then our home computer breaks. Not just needs-the-disc-wiped-and-Windows-reinstalled kind of break, the motherboard-is-fried-so-bury-it-at-sea break. This was a week ago. And so we had to wait until payday (today) to get a new one, which is irritating and embarrassing and just plain made me sad. Everything makes me feel poor and less-than.
I really suffer at times like this -- I feel like almost everything shows me how poor and dead-ended I am. I got a very perky message on Facebook from a nice woman who is the older sister of someone who was a close friend. My friend, the younger brother, used to feel like shit in comparison to his sister, who was tall (he wasn't), got into Yale (he didn't), and became a doctor (guess). Anyway, I got this lovely note from her, asking about my career and my kids and so on. Oops! forgot to have a normal life!
Also on Facebook, I heard from M., who had been my lover some years back, when he was married and I wasn't. (That was back in the days when I wasn't perfect -- oh, wait, I'm still not.) M. was very full of himself and a lot of people didn't like him, but I couldn't get enough of the way he was fixated on me. Plus the sex was great. M. is now divorced and remarried, but I'm itching to talk over old times with him. He really was a pal, at a very lonely time.
All times feel lonely now. Barry has been an absolute rock, don't get me wrong, but I don't seem to have much except for him and work.
Can't seem to settle down with a book, either. Can't seem to settle down much at all.
We're supposed to go see Felix play tonight, but I may back out. I love Felix to pieces but can't seem to go more than a few hours without crying. It would be nice to get my chemicals in balance and my mind right.
Do you ever feel too poor to have friends? Can't afford to get to where they live, or to go out to dinner, or to maintain a nice enough home so that people can visit? I tried to get Robin and Ernie to come out to Felix' gig tonight, and she said, "I can hardly get Ernie to leave Brooklyn any more." Leslie can't get Darin to leave New Jersey. I don't suppose I need a lot of face time with people for them to be my friends, but it does leave me home alone a lot.
So, at least I got paid, and we can go out to Compustar and have them build us a new machine tomorrow. I love Compustar -- they've been our repair guys for years, and built our first computer around 1999. Of course, this means we'll be even more desperately poor coming into August 15, but what can I do? At least we don't have to buy a monitor, keyboard, speakers or mouse. And a dear new friend is going to provide me with a b**tleg of MSOff*ce.
It just makes me feel kind of sad that getting paid is such a huge event, and that the week before getting paid makes me feel like I'm living in the Great Depression. Last Monday, I gave Barry around $25, and said, "Buy two pounds of ground meat and two packages of tofu, and a dozen eggs, I have a big bag of frozen broccoli, and buy a small bag of brown rice, a small bag of white rice, oatmeal, and onions." Once or twice during the week we pick up half a pound of muenster cheese. This is how we eat the last week before pay. Barry has to do without soda, chips, ice cream. He eats oatmeal for breakfast and I barely eat breakfast or lunch. Maybe a cup of Greek yogurt in the morning and an apple at lunch. It's seriously pathetic. And this is without dropping $300-400 on a new computer.
I want to strangle every 18- or 19-year-old who talks about going to Berlin, Paris and Israel. I want to strangle everyone who can afford a new skirt or a hat or even a manicure. I can't figure out how they do it -- rather, I can't figure out how to live decently on what I earn. (Forget about figuring out how to get Barry working. I've thrown out every idea I can muster, but his heart doesn't seem to be in it, or maybe he's still frozen in fear after two years.)
I am so, so, so not a happy camper. I'm happy about having a good job and good bosses, and also about having bought a nice summer wardrobe last year.