trying...

I'm working on getting in the habit of writing more, with the goal of writing here every day, which is Step One. I've more or less decided that the only thing I want to do for a living is write, which involves a lot of kinds of work. As far as fiction or memoir, this is Step One.

I also need to take some action about freelance work, starting with re-contacting the editor of Blues Music Magazine; I recently did a review for them.

I don't want to work in an office again. One of the advantages of my last job was that I wasn't sitting all day. (I can still work there part-time if I want, to bring in a few bucks.)

thankful

This is a little challenging for me, since I am of late not much about gratitude and much more about being very depressed and glass-half-empty. But since, obviously, writing at all has not been coming easy, I thought I'd try to punch out two for the price of one.

I'm thankful for having this nice apartment to live in: being able to afford it, furnish it, and enjoy it. I'm thankful that it doesn't feel like a compromise and does feel like a luxury, one that I deserve.

I'm thankful for seeing my nephew and sister-in-law today, and somehow surprised because I didn't think I cared much about my nephew and was convinced that my sister-in-law and I didn't like each other.

I'm thankful that enough of my family managed to get together today, since my aunt and uncle are moving to Arizona on Monday and my dad is very sick - like dialysis-three-times-a-week sick. I'm really glad that my dad got to see his grandson, and that my nephew is concerned enough about his grandfather that his parents have arranged a couple of visits. There's some crazy dysfunction as concerns my brother and my dad, and my brother and my uncle. My brother was not present.

I'm thankful to have enough money not to have to rush into a job, although I'm very unsure about what I want to do or even if anyone will hire me to do anything.

I'm thankful for my friends, and in particular for my little posse from my last job, who have stayed in touch and hung out with me. They're real gems. One of them and his girlfriend took me out to lunch on my birthday. 

I'm thankful that I finally realized it was important for me to finally have surgery to correct my stress incontinence. I suffered with it for about 25 years, and it did nothing but get worse. The operation was six weeks ago tomorrow. Needless to say, I'm also thankful for health insurance even though I pay a mint for it under COBRA. (The surgery was covered except for a $50 co-pay.) 

I'm thankful that I've healed well from the surgery and that it did what I needed it to do.

I'm thankful that my ex-husband went to the hospital with me and stayed with me for a couple of days after the surgery. Having said that, I'm also thankful I don't live with him any more.

I'm thankful for a really good therapist who has helped me tremendously over the past seven years. Although she now says that I need to focus on the experiential rather than the material to dig out of this funk; in other words, I need to do more stuff instead of acquiring more stuff. Right now, I am responding to her many suggestions that I do more writing.

I'm also thankful that I got to review Zeke Schein's book for the October issue of Blues Music Magazine, which would be on your newsstand now if newsstands still existed. I dare you to find a copy.

a job over and done

What a nice thing it is to finally cancel that Monday-Friday alarm.

I actually had a very lovely last day yesterday. I didn't tell any of the clients that I was leaving until Thursday, and all of them knew on Friday, as my little going-away cake was on the calendar. (And someone must have remembered that I like ice cream cake!)

So I got hugged all day yesterday, over and over by some of the same women. Even some of the more religious guys who limit their contact with women to a high-five/fist bump/handshake gave me a hug. I had an easy group and activity and one of my "buds" as co-counselor. Did my last ass-wiping, my last daily goals.

I'll see my buds again, and also some of the women counselors I had dinner with the week before last. The woman who arranged it chose a non-kosher restaurant, which weeded out our manager and one of the more sanctimonious counselors. We had a blast.

The only thing that hurts is that I was very close to a client who is very low-functioning, and did not understand that I was leaving. It was hard not to be able to say goodbye to her. She only speaks a few words, but we communicated with pictures and gestures; she is quite funny and sweet. She likes to hold my hand. She was in my AM group (9:30-10:15) every day, and enjoyed looking at pictures on my phone, especially pictures of herself. For a while, I was taking pictures of her almost daily. She would see one, and either point at herself, or say in her tiny voice, "Me."

It was close to 80 degrees yesterday, so I changed into sandals before my book club. As usual, we barely discussed the book, ate good Vietnamese food, and chose another book. I love my book club.

Then I got home around 9:00. There was still a drop of light in the sky. 

no surprise here

I gave notice at my job. As much as I love the clients, let me just say that I'm increasingly unhappy with the way things are run at my location, as well as having some real doubts about how the upper management does things. I'm leaving at the end of the week, a few days after we put on our play. I've been working very hard on the play (a cut-down version of "Annie"), and this will enable me to see the play through to completion and then avoid some rather unpleasant things coming up.

Here's one: at the end of June, they're "temporarily" moving the second dayhab in with us, meaning an influx of about 40 older clients, about ten counselors, and their manager. We already have about 60 clients and 18 staff...and only four bathrooms for clients - there is a staff bathroom accessible by a button-code lock. Our clients go up to around age 60, and theirs are 60 and up, though this is a rough estimate of the division. But our people are mostly in their 20s and 30s, and theirs are mostly elderly - involving a lot more bathroom needs and incontinence. This is "temporary" because a new building which is supposed to house the entire organization, including both dayhabs, is supposed to be completed at the end of the summer. It was supposed to be completed at the end of last summer. So the extreme overcrowding may be indefinite.

Of course, I'll miss a couple of the perks, like Jewish holidays - I'm now off for two days for Shavuous. (However, the only national holidays we get off are Thanksgiving and July 4.) And learning a lot about Judaism, since I never even knew what Shavuous meant until I started working there. And I love some of the counselors dearly. But I surely will not miss the shitty pay, or the client who punches me when she's caught misbehaving (usually it's stealing food or soda). But the perks are few and far between.

I can fortunately afford to be without a job for a time. I'm planning to try the usual nonprofits, universities and analytic institutes, but someone suggested to me that I also try city and state government. I also plan to (finally) study grant writing this summer, which may result in improved opportunities in nonprofit.

I love living in my new apartment. There are small problems, like the kitchen and bathroom being a little smaller than I'd like, though the living and bedrooms are really big. The five closets and endless kitchen cabinets are also great. I'm slowly but surely filling the place up. I bought end tables (mid-century modern, natch - they pretty much match the coffee table) and two bookcases and a recliner that looks like a regular living room chair.

I have a TV table and three little tables, and am waiting for delivery of a microwave stand and a file cabinet.

The orchid count is now up to seven, five of them in bloom. They are all in my bedroom, and though only two of them are scented, the room has a green, planty-smell that I just love.

Because I had to learn to care for them, I've amassed a pretty good amount of beginner-level information about orchids in general. I have really good indirect light, and a humidifier, so they're pretty much thriving.

I bought four African violets for the living room - two standard and two mini. Less successful with them: they all dropped their blooms pretty soon after I got them, though their leaves are growing well. Don'r really know if they'll ever rebloom. The original plan was to have orchids in the bedroom and violets in the living room, but I think there are going to be more orchids in the living room. There doesn't seem to be any such thing as enough orchids.

The place keeps me busy. In addition to new-home stuff (arranging new decorative and useful items), there's always laundry, vacuuming, dishes and such. I find I come home and see something that needs doing, which turns into an hour or two of work. Then I need a fast, light dinner, which is probably why I've dropped about nine pounds without really trying.

I have a huge list of chores for today and tomorrow, some of which are computer-and-paperwork oriented, but there's also a table to be assembled, laundry, taking a load of cardboard boxes to the trash and vacuuming. Also need to figure out and prep the headphone system for my TV. But there's a dinner tonight with the female dayhab counselors - the person who planned it chose a non-kosher restaurant, which eliminates a few possible attendees (one of which, fortunately, is my manger). And tomorrow I'm going to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden for the first time in years and years, because of a free pass, roses, orchids, and June in general.

I lived about five blocks from the Gardens when I was a kid, and we went all the time. It was free to get in, and 25 cents to get into the Japanese Gardens. I knew the place pretty well. It now costs $15 to get in, In a bid to get members, I was sent a free pass for a weekday, and they're offering a year's membership for $55. I should also mention that for the past 11 years, if was very difficult to get there from where I was living; but now, one subway. Given that I should be pretty free this summer, and that it's a really good deal, I'll probably buy a membership.

really not a good thing

I keep the confidences of my workplace. There are thing that are funny and things that are annoying and people I really enjoy. But we're not supposed to talk about it and I keep that promise.As I may have mentioned, I work in a day center for developmentally disabled adults. It has a lot of up and downs.

Here's a hypothetical from such a workplace: you're a counselor, in a van with 5 or 6 clients, and another counselor is driving. A few minutes into the ride, you notice the driver is texting while driving. You tell him to stop and he does. A few days later, you report this to the manager. You don't like the idea of ratting out this popular counselor, but neither do you want him endangering a van full of clients - or you, for that matter.

The manager asks for a lot of information: the day, time, destination. She promises she will speak to the counselor.

After a few days, it starts to look as if she hasn't spoken to him at all. It would have been clear to him who made the report, but he's friendly as ever to the reporting counselor. Doesn't talk to her about the incident or the report, greets her with the same smile as always. And he continues to drive his morning and afternoon routes and to take clients to activities.

A week later, he's named senior counselor, second in command to the manager. And still driving.

What can be made of this?

my buds

Had a get-together today with this interesting little posse I have, three guys who are in their twenties, my work pals. I don't want to say too much about them, because of what I am going to say, but I can say that we have fun as a group and that each of us has a good one-on-one connection with each of the others.

There is another woman who is also close with them; we were together with the group at someone else's house. I don't invite her to my house because she can be a bitch, which we all know and which isn't the worst thing; but she is the only person in the group who is condescending about my age and tries to make me feel bad about it. That is not my kind of bitch.

Two of the guys have helped me immeasurably by assembling my dinette set and both of my bookcases. They say they like doing it. I thank them profusely anyway. I can assemble fairly easy stuff, but those were a little above my pay grade.

They are all interesting and have some similarities and some differences. Two are ex-Orthodox. Two are ambitious. Two are gay. One is a great teacher. One is a natural businessman. Two keep tropical fish and are really pushing me to get a tank.

One of them said today that this apartment looks just like me, and this really pleases me. I don't even have anything on the walls yet. One of the other ones studied my plants and odd objects closely. One fell in love with my new vintage travel alarm clock. One fell in love with my secretary.

They're all kind of poor fellas (as I would be if I were living on my paycheck), so I don't talk closely about the pricey things, but I do talk about the cheap stuff; the travel alarm clock cost me about $8 or something.

I love my guys. They're sweethearts. They're interesting. They're good company. They're fun friends.

But no fish tank for me. I'm sticking with high-maintenance plants, and I'm naming them. Phoebe and Susan the African violets somehow became Phoebe and Carol. Both doing well - no pix yet.

Bella was just popping a third bloom when I took this (she had two when I got her), and now she's working on her fourth. She and Phoebe and Carol all seem pretty hearty, all popping new blooms.

But Stella and Clara the mini-violets, and Greta the mini-orchid, did not do well when I was away for four days a couple of weeks ago. Stella and Clara lost their blooms, but their leaves still look okay, so I'll keep caring for them. Greta is pot-bound and seems to have some rotting roots, and her stalk died, but I'm going to transplant her and take off the dead or sick stuff, and see if she comes back. She still has some good leaves.

Anyway, they are devoted herbalists, and always get me pretty floaty. Today was no exception.

It's too early to eat, and I'm not level-headed enough to do much housework. Luckily, I did laundry yesterday. I did just do as many of the dishes as I could, and when they dry, I'll do the rest. Dishes really have to be done twice a day, and if I fall behind even once, it sucks. 

book club!

I finally, finally got back to my book club tonight, after something like 4 or 5 months. Amazingly, all eight of us were there (some of the folks travel or live part-time elsewhere).

I was asked to join the club by someone I knew at PPSC; we got to know each other better after I left as Facebook friends, and she invited me to join maybe 9 months ago. They are a fabulous bunch: old lefties, five women and three men, mostly older than I am. They all either work in or retired from helping professions. All of the women wear arty jewelry.

We go to a restaurant once a month and discuss the book a bit, but mostly schmooze. There's a whole procedure in place for choosing the next month's book, and this seems more serious than discussing this month's book. Each person can propose up to two books (one of the men brings something he's written to promote his book choices), and then we can each vote (secret ballot) on two nominated books. One of the other guys always brings slips of paper and golf pencils for the vote. It's kind of cute.

Since we only meet once a month, it's been a little rough for me to keep track of everyone's names, how they're connected, what they do or used to do. I was terrified that I wouldn't remember a thing after all these months, but after a short time, I had all the names. We had been going for a while to a nice Szechuan restaurant on St. Mark's Place (on the site of the renowned Electric Circus, which later on hosted some grungy AA meetings). But that restaurant closed, so we went to Saigon Market tonight.

Everyone was so glad to see me again, which made me really happy, since I'm the new kid. With eight people around a round table, it's impossible to have just one conversation (though we do it for the brief book discussion). Everyone was concerned about my health and wanted to hear about the new apartment. I'm not super-close with anyone yet, although I did ride the subway partway with one woman and we got to have a nice chat. I feel very relaxed with them. It's such a good, good thing in my life.

I've been hella busy. I had been so crazy arranging the furniture delivery times that I thought both pieces were coming Saturday, when in fact they came yesterday. Good thing I had a slow start and hadn't yet gone out on many errands! The coffee table is great, and Lars himself delivered the small dresser. Lars himself is so lovely. He stuck around for a few minutes and admired the progress on the apartment.

Today was the big errand day. I went down near Kings Plaza and went into Gothic Cabinet (just in case they had a floor model of the wooden file cabinet that I love but think is too pricey); then into Bob's and Raymour & Flanagan to look at recliners. I remembered vaguely that I'd seen one I liked at one of those stores when I was pre-shopping. (It may have been in the couple of weeks between signing my lease and my accident.) I remembered it as being yellow and tweedy. Bob's had a lot of those big ugly leather recliners (some had electric up-and-down), and one push recliner that I liked, a nice blue fabric, but the wooden arms had an obvious and ugly veneer,

Then I went into R&F, let a sales guy show me a few recliners, and then I spotted the one I'd seen before - which was not yellow and tweedy, but a nice tan-ish print. And it's a push recliner, and doesn't look like a recliner - it looks like a nice accent chair. I tried it out for back comfort, and pulled the trigger. It will be delivered on Tuesday, Then I went into Kings Plaza, to browse a bit but mostly to pee, then took the bus down Avenue U a bit to check out a plant nursery I'd seen online, Came home with two big African violets, Phoebe and Susan, for five bucks each. Then back on the bus down Avenue U to pick up my prescriptions, then home.

I haven't managed to do much housework except for two loads of laundry, vacuuming the living room, and wet-Swiffering the bathroom. It'll all get done.

Tomorrow I have therapy in the city at 11, and I suspect a stop at Union Square on the way home. Sunday I have a long dental appointment: temporary bridge and I suspect some work on the crown (I never had a crown before, so I'm not sure what that entails). It's supposed to be a beautiful day so I may mosey on down to Coney Island. Monday has nothing scheduled yet, so I expect I'll be cleaning, maybe go to the Botanic Gardens if it's nice out or a movie if it isn't. Don't know yet when the chair will come on Tuesday.

Then back to work Wednesday.

When I came home, there was some sort of candlelight procession half a block from home. I asked one of the candle-carriers what it was for. He said, very seriously, "the resurrection of Christ." That's my reminder to call Mary on Sunday to wish her happy Easter.

Time to see if I have a copy of The Handmaid's Tale and then some TV - probably the new MST3K on Netflix.